life after bedtime

I should be sleeping. I tried going to bed last night too, and it didn't work. I was up until some unfortunate hour, processing life. I've decided that women eat chocolate because the endorphins in their systems do not get to come out and play as much as they'd like. Chocolate makes a suitable substitute.

On a more serious note, I'm quickly being woken up to the fact that there are many women out there, women I know, that are hurting. But guess what? Nobody knows. We all walk around with how-are-yous, and I'm fine/great/ you? Nobody is taking time to get down to the underbelly of what we are all really feeling.

I had a good visit today with a friend of mine that I haven't connected with for awhile. I discovered that her life is not at all what it could be. She found out the same about me. I found in this friend an amazing strength, and an outlook on life that is incredibly strong. A third lady that we both know was pulled into the conversation, and before you know it, we were all awkwardly wiping tears from our eyes as we let each other see, briefly, who we really are. It was a powerful moment for me.

It's time to quit wearing the masks, reach out to my friends and start some real life conversations.

Well, that's unfortunate.

I realized last night, around 8pm, that my duffle bag was missing. As in not there. Not in the house, not in the vehicle. All my clothes that I packed, two pairs of pj's, and both pillows from my bed, gone. Well now, I thought to myself. That creates a bit of a conundrum.

Several phone calls later I managed to leave a message with the caretakers of the camp where we went scrapbooking. My best guess was that when I kicked it down the stairs from the bedrooms, I left it there. Must have had other stuff on my mind.

Today I got to speak in person with Natasha, the wife of the husband/wife team that take care of the camp. We shared a giggle, and I learned that no, they weren't coming into town today, but could have their friend bring it in tomorrow, and I could arrange pick up with him. No thanks, I said. I had the afternoon off work, so I would be able to drive out and get it.

It was a good time to rethink all the stuff that was running through my head. God and I had a long conversation, about Jane and I, and our friendship. He challenged me in my marriage to my husband, to take some steps that I wouldn't normally consider.

Tonight while listening to a cd of mixed music, the words from "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns hit me like a ton of bricks. It goes like this: I barely hear You whisper through the rain/"I'm with you"... I broke down and wept.

I guess we figure that we have to take on this life all by our grown-up selves. We can do it. We're strong, capable women who are forging onward and forward, taking on stuff and trying to carry things that are way too big for us. In that one line, God shouted to me, I'M WITH YOU. He gets it. He feels it. He's there. For every aching piece of my heart that wants to have what I cannot, He understands. He knows how scared I am to try to forge some kind of connection with my husband, for fear of hurt and all that past emotional garbage that likes to surface.

I'm reminded of that verse in the Bible that talks about how good it is to have a friend, so that when you stumble, you don't fall, because your friend is there to help you up. God understands, and is holding my hand, right at this very minute.

Meanwhile, back at the farm, things are really piling up.

I'm back here for the first time in 2 years, I figured. I quite stumbled on that date by accident, while going through my scrapbook bag to find some such oddity like a Barbie sticker or something birthday related. I'm making birthday scrapbooks for my girls. But that's besides the point. I found old photos from the last retreat we attended together. The LAST one. Funny, do you ever think that what your doing right now might be the last time you actually do that thing? Back to the date. It was 2007, and I believe it was the fall retreat.

We always scrapbooked together out here. Me and her. Her and I. Which one is it, and do you really care if I use proper grammar? Let's see, since 2004 I think? No, I think she came out once before then, in '03. I had moved here from the south. Actually, we lived in the center of the province, but moved north. She asked me if i was going to the ladies retreat at a bible camp south of where I live now, and I said no, but I was going to a scrapbook retreat with my new consultant at a bible camp that is relatively close to my home. She came up then, to join me. It was tradition ever since.

This is my first time back in 2 years, and she's not with me. Odd, yes. Heartbreaking, yes. Did I cry? Oh yeah. People asked me, "Where's Jane? Is she not coming with you?" My consultant, who knows the real deal, came to me in private, and filled me in that another lady was asking after Jane. "I think Karen told her that Jane is in university, and couldn't make it. Just so you know." Bless her for filling me in. Still, it makes me sad.

Jane and I aren't friends anymore. I broke it off with her this spring, for good. At the time it was easy, and I knew that God was calling me to end a friendship that was too much for me. Details aren't important. God knows and he asked me to do this, so I did. I had some confessions to make after that, and that wasn't so easy. Like telling my husband that yeah, I loved my bff way more than I loved him. That I realized that my relationship with her was damaging my marriage to him, so I had to end my friendship. He understood, and said that it made sense. Still, one of the hardest things I've had to do. Confessing sins is tough stuff.

Isn't life ironic? I am sleeping in the first room we ever shared together, Jane and I. I realized that shortly after my friend and I unloaded our gear last night. Maybe this is so that I can bring closure to my end-of-friendship thing. I cried just before sleep whisked me off. It is bittersweet, being here.

It's not the same. I don't think it will ever be.

how does this work?

Hey, Molly here. Just trying out this new blog site. I do post on another blog, and it's a wee bit different than this. I'm not sure what I think of this yet, so I thought, why not try a mini post to bore the readers, and I'll see if I can google myself and find this. Sounds like a good time!
Stay tuned for more real life episodes in the life of me.