Have you ever found yourself just slightly annoyed? Ever so slightly? And then the more you consider the annoyance, the worse it becomes. I'm sure that there is a biblical lesson in all of this, but right now I'll be honest: I don't want to see it. I want to be mad, and be okay with being mad. I want to be upset with the unfairness of stupid circumstances that seem to trip us up in our marriage whenever we just start running at a decent pace.

I thought I had it figured out, dealt with it (the annoyance), and all was good. Then another detail surfaced that I was not aware of. As my daughter thought aloud, talking more to herself than to me on the drive home, some details that I was not privvy to came to light. I discovered that there were things said that I was not aware of, that I should be aware of--in fact, they are key factors to how well I can run this race called life and marriage. And yes, it annoys me.

I guess it all comes down to what I do with this information. It is laughable at best for me to think for a minute that I can handle this all by my grown up self. I think this is where I crumble to the ground in front of my heavenly Dad, and let him be all that I need. He whispered to me this morning in fact. Know what he said?

"I am enough for you."

I need to stop myself, right now in the midst of all my justification, my rights, my 'knowing I'm right', my pain and hurt and sadness, and say "Yes, Jesus. You are enough for me. You are all that I need. You are my defender. I don't have to defend myself, because you go before me, and you defend me!"

I can see that my enemy doesn't want me to succeed in my marriage. In fact, he uses the same old tools over and over and over, because they work. If I'm going to be smarter than my enemy, I have to get with the One who fights on my behalf.

Huh. I think I know what I need to do.

How to Dance

I saw one of those fwd:fwd:fwd emails today. The thing that caught my eye were the pictures. This little blond-haired cutie, all of maybe five years old, with a big grin on his face. "So what?" you may be thinking. Well, here's the kicker: he didn't have any legs.

This young man obviously didn't mind that he didn't have legs as he had a great pair of prosthetics. a couple of pairs, from what I could tell. Specially made ones for running and sports, and another for day to day stuff that could wear a pair of runners or shoes. Every picture had a smile. He didn't let his obvious disability stop him. He plays hockey, wakeboards, does track and field, and plays golf. More stuff than I've done ever, and I'm .. well, I'm a lot older than he is.

The caption at the top of the pictures reads "You can't do what? Attitude is everything!" As much as it pains me -- and I do realize that depending on the day I'm having-- I can either agree wholeheartedly or thumb my nose at that sentence! Isn't that the way life is? Last week I had a incident in my personal life that rocked me. Lets just say that I was definitely thumbing my nose.

I'm working on changing who I am now into who I'm meant to be. What comes with that is dealing with old habits, and old patterns, and boy I tell you it is a frustrating battle at the best of times. I compared it to cancer in a journal entry to my counsellor. This "emotional cancer" is rampant throughout my mental health. It is woven and tangled into every fiber and thought. It's had twenty plus years to grow and become imbedded into my psyche. If this was a real physical disease, I doubt that the prognosis for my recovery would be good. Hence the reason for me thumbing my nose last week at my issue.

Truth be told, it broke me. I wept. I felt completely helpless. I didn't know what to do with me, or my life, or any of it. Remember the movie Edward Scissorhands? I felt like that; unable to embrace and love because my hands cause wounds and cuts. Honestly speaking, it was brutal. I've managed to move forward, with the support of people around me that are helping me. I'm understanding more with the help of our marriage counsellor. I know that it's going to take stepping into the rough patches and working through the mental garbage to get to the other side.

At the end of the photos of this young boy with no legs is written this quote: "Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain." In all that I continue to walk through in my life, I want to remember this kid. He's dancing, and I'm going to learn how to dance too.